nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
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Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Its about making memories worth repressing
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
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