i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
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