I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
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I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
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