He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
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the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
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