From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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