I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Send us your Text From Last Night!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
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