Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
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