Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
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I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
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