you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
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