He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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