I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
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