The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
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It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
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