She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
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