his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
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