TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Send us your Text From Last Night!
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
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