So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
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