I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Send us your Text From Last Night!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
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