He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
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