I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The beer is more important than you right now.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
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