There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
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