best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
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i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
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