your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
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