I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I take back everything I said about communal showers
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
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