When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
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i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
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