Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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