she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
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