i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
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shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
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