the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Loading more great texts...