He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Send us your Text From Last Night!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
should my penis look like a turkey
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Loading more great texts...