He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
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