Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
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