she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Send us your Text From Last Night!
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
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