she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Send us your Text From Last Night!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
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