We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
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