He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
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im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
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