no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
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New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
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