theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Send us your Text From Last Night!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
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