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I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Pappa wants mamma naked
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My pussy is not your playground.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
no, he came in my armpit
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Don't make out with my wife yet
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Found your dick twin last night
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
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