At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
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