She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
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