she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Send us your Text From Last Night!
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
what if I'm pregnant?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
I cockslap morals
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Please, let me fuck your mom
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