Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
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