Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
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