I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
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