YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
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