Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
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