He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Loading more great texts...