He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
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The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
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