New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
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