I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I don't deserve a penis
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
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